cave girl

It's funny how you feel like living a cave - literally living in a cave, but you're actually a girl. Yes, what i desire in ultimate love... love of happiness, not love of sorrow, not love because you're gonna loose it, love from respect - honour and understanding.. this love takes time. and it takes your whole body in it..

I have trully felt how The Fountain, how how Hugh Jackman loved Rachel Weisz. And I've lost it... because of not trusting myself, not wanting to get hurt, and thinking that it will not be a reality.
but im really stupid. a loser. not wanting to change its ways... has stupid set of rules in place (so u can feel in control)

The Fountain - a remarkable story...

yes, it is a weird sci fi movie. but it was really a love story... i just want to be loved just like how Hugh Jackman loved Rachel Weisz. It was beautiful love. And i just can see it in his eyes.... how true deep love means... He carried sooo faithfully. True poetry. Just trying to graps about life and wonder why this is happening and why he should live for her. at the end of it, he let go and he was happy. she was happy.

i think, all of what i desired is to be loved just like that. i will be soo soo happy. it is feeling of ultimate loved - and that's what i desire....

Wild Is The Wind

I tried to make you happy
Lord knows I tried so hard to be
What you hoped that I would be
I gave you what you wanted
God couldn't give you what you need
You wanted more from me
Than I could ever be
You wanted heart and soul
But you didn't know, baby

Wild, wild is the wind
That takes me away from you
Caught in the night without your love
To see me through
Wild, wild is the wind
That blows through my heart

Wild is the wind,
Wild is the wind
You got to understand, baby
Wild is the wind

You need someone to hold you
Somebody to be there night and day
Someone to kiss your fears away
I just went on pretending
Too weak, too proud, too tough to say
I couldn't be the one
To make your dreams come true
That's why I had to run
Though I needed you, baby

Wild, wild is the wind
That takes me away from you
Caught in the night without your love
To see me through, baby
Wild, wild is the wind
That blows through my heart tonight
That tears us apart

Wild is the wind,
Wild is the wind
You got to understand, baby
Wild is the wind

Maybe a better man
Would live and die for you
Baby, a better man would
Never say goodbye to you, baby

Wild, wild is the wind
That takes me away from you
Caught in the night without your love
To see me through, baby
Wild, wild is the wind
That blows through my heart tonight
That tears us apart

Wild is the wind,
Wild is the wind
You got to understand, baby
Wild,wild,wild,wild is the wind.
Wild is the wind.

The silence

Hi, I'm in the middle of crisis now. Yes, yes, it's Ramadhan month - yet - i have a crisis. I've already guessed that for that one week of long silence, things are not doing well for me. And when the news just comes out, i just agreed to it - and gave my ultimatum.

and the silence prolonged. And I'm already beginning to feel crazy with the silence (eventhough i made it more difficult to break that sound). And now, i feel like begging for the sound to continue -- like it has for all these years.

But head says it's good timing. I am not blaming anybody. Im not blaming myself. The cirucumstance is just nice to give a reason. And that reason will help him -- and eventually me, to see the real light -- and not day dreaming anymore. I wasn't in reality for all these years. But whatever happened to me is now reality. And i cannot face the silence. I can't face the silence.

So im writing because i can't face the silence. Im still waiting - hoping there's sound (there's hope) for of what in reality is nothing. Hoping for a sound leads nowhere - but at least i can dream again. Without a sound, it feels empty - but it's a step for me to move on without any complications.

Re-Group

damn, months go by and it's been sweet and sour journey.


No.1 - im changing jobs - to another job that i think it's not my strong points. But hey, the opportunity was there to get out of the current job. Don't get me wrong, the job was cool, my colleagues are great "work" friend and gave healthy competition. It was me. I was wrong for the job. My motto was "What ever i go through, i wanted to be the best" - yet this is the first time in my career life, I'm leaving a company feeling that I fail to impress people and myself.

Re-group, Re-group. Be alert. Stay alert.


i think the problems comes with my uncertainty about my life, my health, that effect my mind during work. Sometimes, I just need to get out from this poisonous rat race/cage. When it comes to love life, i just hit the 360*. It's all coming back to me now..............


My financial strategy changed. - some improvement but a long way to go.
My trust and my judgement deteriorate.


I just need to get out. how am i gonna make the first move when everything else just crumbled.

Chinese New Year

Rabbit.
I'm neutral this year. No Luck. No bad luck. And there's a lot of changes that i have to go through. And yes, i do feel i have to go through a lot of changes. Life, love and work.

This is the first time that I am blaming other than food for me being fat. I'm fat because i am unhappy. im miserable and depress. Depress at life, depress at work and depress at love. (where's that St John Wort again?). (do i sound like Britney Spears?) And because of that, I HAVE TO CHANGE.

I've already changed work. Hate it (or like it - so far not yet), I have to go through with it and find a way to LOVE it. Life... i'm taking control on my financials again. Love - im damn depress on this section - yet im afraid to change. Do i have time to change? Am i changing because i get cold feet? Do i want to change because THINGS are changing beyond my control? Or because he is just who he is - and im starting to see the light...

being in limbo and not knowing how to change (for a long time) what makes me depress and when im depress, what ever i eat doesn't function the way it suppose to be.

How the hell should i get TIME OUT for myself? Everyday i've got responsibility - where i don't do it so often, how to run away and get time out and re-focus? do i need to go for a "How to un-screw up your life Bootcamp?".

Like Zura said, i need to find a hobby to keep myself sane. And eating is no more a hobby for me.

Anatomy

You know, if you want to find a channel that makes you laugh, you ought to go to a comedy programme like senario or the kings of queens, or something like that. Instead, i go to watch Grey's Anatomy for my laughter. It relieves me. I think i watch too much serious shows -- thus making me the person i am. Dull.

As what Frodo said to Sam " i don't think i can go on, sam...". That's how i feel right now. I have to refocus. regroup. don't pretend. don't dream. start living.

I guess, that's how i connect to Grey's Anatomy. It's how they feel inside which they don't want to say -- yet, it's torn between what is realistic and what it they want or feel they want to happen. McDreamy. "it will pass..."

So... - I have to keep this straight attitude that 'it will pass'... but the only thing i need to figure out is, 'pass in what way?'

'Pass' in which i find away to adapt to it -- and not feel hurt? 'Pass' in which i paint a red brick wall barrier in my mind (which i loved use this option based on unwise experience) and inject words like "ignore", "control your life", "who cares" in my brain? 'Pass' in which i reset my history buttton in my brain (oh ohh.. i love this option too) and make 'pass' as 'Past'?

*fuhhh......*

two things i found out during raya:

1. I sound more and more like my mother (which i TRY ALL OUTS to avoid being her. am i getting too old?)
2. I'm going back in circles. the one i hate most - is the one that can save my sanity.

and i can feel it in my bones, that this is becoming unhealthy for me (also based on unwise experience). as if i'm coming to a dead end. check mate. i lost it. i lost the purpose. and because of this, im in limbo. not sure whether i should get a new purpose... or invest to search on the lost purpose (and trying to figure out whether that purpose is just a dream/fantasy or this it does have some gravity in it).

I this is will take the third 'pass' for the timebeing... and making the period of 'passing' as 'pastime'.